Boston Celtics-76ers matchups explained through blockbuster movies

There is a metric ton of complicated history between Philadelphia and Boston, and I’m not just talking about the basketball played between the Boston Celtics and the 76ers. What was more important, the Constitutional Convention or the Boston Tea Party? Which is a better sports movie, Fever Pitch or Rocky? Speaking of Rocky, are we all just going to be okay with the fact that the most famous athlete from Philadelphia is a fictional character? Or that nobody even knows what “The City of Brotherly Love” even means?

As you can tell, my Boston-tinged brain synapses are laced with several anti-Philly hormones, and I know the inverse is true for Philly fans out there. However, because we are civilized people, we can look past our differences and learn to coexist as fellow humans. I’ll even admit that Rocky is a pretty good movie and that Jimmy Fallon is not that great of an actor…unless it’s the playoffs.

Because when it’s time for a Boston Celtics v. Philadelphia 76ers series, all that goes directly out the window. Emotional “sports hate” supplants rational calculus and demands that Boston triumph over their little brother among east coast sports cities. This week, Rocky is an overrated movie and the theme song isn’t even good. This week, chucking tea over the side of a ship trumps forming a more perfect union, establishing Justice, or insuring domestic tranquility. In short, it’s on.

And now that Jays-Era Boston Celtics v. Process 76ers III has premiered, I think we should all ask ourselves a very important question: are we being emotional enough?

Have the expectations of civilized society constrained our true animosity for one another? Has one of the great rivalries in sports been dulled by the buddy-buddy community of NBA players that Larry Bird and Moses Malone would have scoffed at? Unfortunately, sports do exist in the real world, so Hollywood-tier drama does not usually hold up.

Thankfully for us, sportswriting can exist in whatever world we want it to, so let’s talk about this series rationally, delivered with as much irrationality as I can concoct. Welcome to your overdramatic preview of the Boston Celtics vs. the Philadelphia 76ers matchups.

Coming soon to theaters near you.

Matchup 1: Joel Embiid vs. Jayson Tatum

Cinematic Comparison: The Black Knight vs. King Arthur (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975)

Neither Tatum nor Embiid is really a villain in this case, but from Boston’s perspective, Embiid has merely been in their way for the past half-decade. The Celtics have dropped one singular game against the Embiid-76ers in the playoffs coming into this series. Embiid is definitely a better player now, so I was thinking something along the lines of Creed-Rocky III for this one. But then I remembered Embiid is injured, and felt the Black Knight that fights without any of his limbs was a better call.

I’m not saying that Tatum will slowly dismember Embiid in some strange metaphorical sense as the series goes on, but merely stressing that from a “best player battle” standpoint, this is hardly a fair fight. Tatum should have a much easier time attacking the 76ers offensively in this series, as the wing defenders Philly has to throw at him are much more fragile than the paint defenders Boston has for Embiid. That won’t stop Embiid from trying to hop over and threaten to bite Boston’s metaphorical head off, though.

And as any sophisticated film PhD candidate will tell you, the Black Knight was never actually defeated, but rather left without the means of pursuing King Arthur any further. Maybe Embiid will do what the Black Knight could not, and finish the fight.

Matchup 2: P.J. Tucker vs. The Boston Celtics’ Psychological Fortitude

Cinematic Comparison: Helmut Zimo vs. The Avengers (Captain America: Civil War, 2016)

P.J. Tucker has somehow managed to ruin all the fun for the Celtics three years in a row on three different teams despite a rapidly declining skill set and physical capabilities. It’s quite a remarkable feat all things considered, as Tucker has been an impact role player—literally, in that he impacts the opposing team with his chest, hands, feet, and forehead—on every one of the Celtics’ demons during that run.

His stint with the Bucks won him a title, but his time with the Heat really personified Tucker as a bona fide pest. He pushes the limits of what is legal, toes the line between physical and dirty, and dares the refs to blow their whistle on every single possession. What’s missing: actual basketball skills. Like Zimo from the Civil War movie, he probably realizes that he cannot beat the Celtics if he fights straight up. So he will try to make us fight each other, or maybe he’ll just grab Marcus Smart’s wrist and make him punch himself in the face.

Matchup 3: James Harden vs. The Floor

Cinematic Comparison: Nemo vs. Dry Land (Finding Nemo, 2003)

Many players in NBA history have had signature moments during clutch time. Damien Lillard has Dame Time. Klay Thompson has Game Six Klay. James Harden, on the other hand, has what I am officially coining as “fish mode.”

Harden is a founding partner of the Lowry-Harden Offense Firm, in which an offensive player does not even try to put the ball into the basket, instead flopping around like a fish on dry land attempting to win a foul. It is a sickeningly lame way to play the game, and referees came down like a cinder block on Harden for this behavior in round one, shooting an electric 9/34 from two-point range in round one.

When Harden enters fish mode, he is a genius at figuring out new and inventive ways to end up on the floor. Flopping is an art for him, especially since his level of offensive engagement (when he is not shooting a step-back jumper) consists of a very simple formula:

1. Entry pass to Embiid
2. Walk four steps backward
3. Stand completely still and wait for the play to end

I do not—and will not ever—respect how Harden chooses to play basketball. It is a reflection of his lack of effort to stay in shape consistently, and especially infuriating considering he is about as useful as a brick on defense.

Matchup Four: Tobias Harris vs. Invisibility

Cinematic Comparison: Cecilia Kass vs. The Invisible Man (The Invisible Man, 2020)

Tobias Harris can be a magician, except his only power is involuntary invisibility. Despite being the highest-paid player on the team (yes, he actually makes more money than Embiid), he sometimes manages to go completely unnoticed for 48 minutes.

That would be fine if he was Max Strus, a heat-check guy who can knock down some shots and at least move his feet on defense, but he is making as much money as an All-NBA superstar. Maybe he is actually fighting against an invisible monster, so he cannot be bothered to show up offensively. Who knows?

Matchup Five: Al Horford vs. His Reputation as the Embiid Stopper

Cinematic Comparison: Optimus Prime vs. The Fallen (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, 2009) 

For reasons never explained to the viewer, the only person who can beat the big, bad, and neck-bearded robot overlord known as the Fallen is Optimus Prime. What about Optimus is special? No clue. Why can’t Bumblebee try to fight the Fallen? We don’t know. During his first stint with the Celtics, Horford was known as the Embiid Stopper. He was such a menace that the 76ers signed Horford so he could not guard Embiid, a cursed strategy that has never worked for anyone, such as when the Celtics signed Evan Fournier.

Nevertheless, Big Al has not had to guard Embiid in a playoff series for a few years, and his game has evolved significantly since then. Embiid’s health is very much up in the air, but we will probably get a few chances to see if Horford still has the juice.

(Bonus) Matchup Six: Tyrese Maxey vs. The Speed of Sound

Cinematic Comparison: The Flash (2023, upcoming) 

This movie has not come out yet, but I’d imagine it has something to do with running fast. Maxey is a blur on the basketball court, and the Boston Celtics often struggle against players who get on their horse when going downhill.

If Embiid misses extended time, Maxey will be one of Philly’s keys to survival.

Thank you for reading. If you have any other movie comparisons for basketball things, let me know. It is a team effort to codify these comparisons into the American cultural lexicon.