The Boston Celtics roster explained through Superheroes

As far as I can tell, no team in NBA history has ever kept the same exact 13-15 man roster across two seasons due to the draft, free agency, trades, and salary cap rules. Even a dynasty like the Golden State Warriors must transplant new blood to continue competing year after year. It’s a bit like inflation, except without all the political flame-throwing and emotionally potent oversimplifications. So I guess it’s not really like inflation. Nevertheless, roster turnover can prove daunting for the casual Boston Celtics fan, who might ask some very valid questions of the current roster:

“What happened to Kyrie Irving?”

“What about Kemba Walker?” 

“Where did Isaiah Thomas end up? He was so good!” 

“Didn’t we lose Al Horford to the 76ers? How is he back?” 

“Why are Grant and Pritchard sitting on the bench clapping?”

“Do we still have Avery Bradley? I have his jersey” 

To answer all of those in one run-on sentence so confusing it might need to be excavated by archeologists in 30 years; he’s gone and we’re happy about it; he was great but ran out of knees; we traded him for Kyrie somehow; we did, but he came back and now he’s the man; we still love them, but they just aren’t our best options; no.

If you survived that, congratulations! And if you still find yourself confused about who is even on the Celtics these days, may I welcome you to the first annual way-too-complicated Boston Celtics 2023 Playoff Roster Rundown, explained—in order to maximize Gen-Z engagement—through Marvel superheroes. Relevant nicknames included.

*Spoilers ahead for every Marvel movie I have seen

Boston Celtics forward Jayson “JT” Tatum, #0

Marvel Superhero: Captain America

Tatum’s path to the Celtics ironically involved trading the #1 pick to the 76ers, who the Cs will face on Monday to kick off their second round series. That pick became Markelle Fultz, who’s midway through a 24-year-old career revival on the Orlando Magic. Tatum on the other hand has become a perennial All-NBA superstar who is the single most important piece to any potential title run. Like the once-scrawny Steve Rodgers, he was not anyone’s first pick in 2017, but has since become by far the best player from that draft.

Tatum has proven that he can duel with the best players in the league and win but has the annoying habit of disappearing in critical moments, such as in do-or-die Game 6 of last year’s NBA Finals, in which he put up a mere 13 points, or in Game 5 of the recent Hawks series, where he was so deferential to his supporting cast that you could have told me he was Grant Williams if I didn’t have my glasses. I don’t actually wear glasses, but that’s beside the point.

However, in true Captain America fashion, Tatum has also proven he can walk into Milwaukee and wield Mjölnir against Giannis Antetokounmpo, the closest thing the NBA has had to Thanos. Game 6 of last year’s second round was Tatum’s magnum opus, delivering a 46-point nuke with the season on the line and in hostile territory. There were moments in that game where our entire offense consisted of Tatum breaking down his defender and hitting contested shots from all three levels.

That game alone gives me hope that his ceiling is that of an all-time great. Despite some lackluster performances, the moment required him to ascend. The C’s will almost certainly need him to do so again someday soon.

Boston Celtics forward Jaylen“JB” Brown, #7

Marvel Superhero: Thor

Jaylen fits the Thor persona perfectly: amazing hair that changes a lot, god-like physical strength, and the tendency to make everyone question if he is actually more powerful than Tatum. That question is right where Jaylen exists. Go to Charlestown and ask 100 people who the best player on the Celtics is, and almost all of them will say Tatum. Yet a suspiciously large number of Celtics games end with the feeling that Jaylen may actually be better.

It is worth wondering whether outside distractions—his fault or otherwise—have contributed to his second-fiddle status. From a refusal to unconditionally condemn antisemitism from former teammate Kyrie Irving to being placed in every trade rumor imaginable in the past five years, from Anthony Davis to Kevin Durant. His bitterness about Boston’s treatment of him is probably justified, something he expressed in two recent profiles by The Ringer and The New York Times.

Nevertheless, Jaylen’s undeniable talent and recent production have almost certainly earned him All-NBA honors, enabling the Celtics to offer him a Supermax extension this offseason, which I would be shocked if he turned down. If he were to, however, forsaking almost $100 million would tell the Celtics all they need to know about his plans for the future.

And above all else, that would be an extraordinarily sad way to end Jaylen’s tenure in Boston. He is beloved, wanted, and needed by Celtics fans. He is every level of badass that Bostonians want and plays with a bloodthirsty intensity that very few—not even Tatum—still have in them. If the Celtics make a serious run at a championship again, Jaylen is sure to give everyone plenty of questions as to whether or not he is the true alpha.

Boston Celtics guard Marcus Smart, #36

Marvel Superhero: Iron Man

Ok, hear me out. I know Smart is not an egomaniac billionaire who only started doing good because he was captured by terrorists and only escaped because he built a super suit out of the dismantled parts of a missile, but he actually fits Tony Stark’s persona rather well. He is sometimes unreliable offensively and can be maddening with his decision-making in close games, such as his inexplicable reach-in foul to give Trae Young two free throws in Game 5.

Conversely, he doesn’t possess any basketball superpowers like the previous two. He is an average offensive player and a terrific on-ball defender, though his impact on that side of the ball has waned slightly since his Defensive Player of the Year campaign last year. But one thing is for sure about Smart: when he is on the court, you are going to notice.

It’s because Smart seems to be magnetically pulled to the action, or maybe he just creates it out of thin air. Tatum will be harmlessly dribbling up the court, calling Al Horford for an on-ball screen…and then BAM-POW-BOOM the camera snap-cuts to Smart tumbling onto the floor as he had just been struck by a sniper bullet, somehow winning a foul.

And, for better or for worse, you know whatever result the Celtics’ season ends up with, Smart will have his fingerprints all over it. Panting, exhausted from flopping on the hardwood like a fish for 48 minutes, with only four words to say: “I… am Marcus Smart” (snaps).

Boston Celtics center Al Horford, #42

Marvel Superhero: Nick Fury

Horford is the business-like director who—more than anyone else—understands the magnitude of every situation. He’s been through every imaginable scenario in his 15-year career. From being the primary offensive creator in Atlanta, a two-way secondary scorer during his first stint with the C’s, to a defense and rebounding specialist last season.

Now, Big Al finds himself as a critical on-ball switch defender and suddenly as a bona fide three-point threat, hitting two backbreakers to close out his former team in Game 6. His prime came on the Hawks, but like every great player, he has added dimensions to his game as he has gotten older that younger Al didn’t even dream up.

But more than anything, Horford puts in work for the Celtics whenever he is on the court. Nobody puts in just as much elbow grease as he does in every facet of the game. Whether it’s running at Kevin Durant like the boogeyman on defense, closing out a playoff game against the Nets in 2022, to helping out the court’s cleaning crew with wiping up a wet spot on the court, Al has never not given 110%.

Al plays ball as his life depends on it, and for that, he will always be a great Celtic. His age makes his no-holds-barred pace of play just that much more amazing, so if for nothing else, the Celtics must win a championship for Big Al.

Boston Celtics center Robert “Time Lord” Williams III, #44

Marvel Superhero: Doctor Strange

I don’t think this comparison needs any complicated explanation. His nickname is literally Time Lord, and Doctor Strange is quite literally the lord of Time. It’s perfect.

But it gets even better. For those of you versed in the Doctor Strange films, you’ll remember he was not initially a superhero, nor was he particularly team-oriented. I don’t question that Williams III meant well during his first few seasons, but Time Lord’s introduction to the league was marred with more brainless mistakes and inexplicable breakdowns than I can even begin to name.

But eventually, it came together, and while he played a notably small role in the first playoff game, there is no doubt that his services will absolutely be required, particularly against the 76ers and Joel Embiid. But if you told me three years ago that Time Lord would be the X-Factor in the Celtics’ finals push? That’s almost as insane as a neurosurgeon becoming the lord of time.

Now that we’ve made it through the starting lineup, the bench is going to be significantly more concise. If you’ve made it this far, I salute you.

Boston Celtics guard Derrick “D-White” White, #9

Marvel Superhero: Ant-Man

D-White is the quintessential “I don’t look like I’m a total baller, but I actually am” guy. He suffers from a condition coined by the Ringer’s Bill Simmons known as Shamet Face, named after Suns guard Landry Shamet. Regardless of how enlightened we become as humans, we always underrate athletes who have an uncommon look.

It’s unfortunate, because D-White is a certified baller, and has ascended to be arguably the Celtics’ third-best player this year. He makes quick decisions, doesn’t wait around if he sees an opening, and simply keeps the ball moving on offense. Oh, and he’s very likely to make an All-Defense team this year. Take that, Shamet-Face committee.

For comparison, Ant-Man basically has Shamet-everything, since he can literally become microscopic or as big a building, so this one fits nicely.

Boston Celtics guard Malcolm “Mr. President” Brogdon, #13

Marvel Superhero: Captain Marvel

Brogdon is a newcomer in Boston, but he immediately made his presence felt by winning Sixth Man of the Year. Like Captain Marvel, he showed up late to the party but is still absolutely crucial to any championship aspirations.

Apart from Tatum and Brown, Brogdon might be the only player who can reliably create his own shot off the dribble, particularly when matched up with a weaker defender. He is a master of the search-and-destroy, exploiting any advantageous switch with immediate intensity. Brogdon showed up at just the right time.

Boston Celtics forward Grant “Batman” Williams, #12

Marvel Superhero: The Hulk

Batman is not a Marvel superhero, so I went with the jacked green behemoth to emphasize that Grant’s most important trait for this team is his size. With the coming of Brogdon, the ascension of D-White, and the relative health of Williams III, Grant is no longer an every-game contributor. However, the Eastern Conference is loaded with some of the more-problematic physical specimens for the Celtics to handle: Bam Adebayo, Joel Embiid, and Giannis Antetokounmpo are common issues, and Grant is a valuable piece when someone needs to put a body on these guys down low.

Grant has a compact frame, which might hide just how huge he actually is. He is 6’6” 236 lbs, and must throw his weight around (literally) against Embiid for the Celtics to win their upcoming series. Plus, his legendary Game 7 performance against the Bucks in 2022 will never die. Nobody can ever take that away from him.

Boston Celtics forward Sam Hauser, #30

Marvel Superhero: Hawkeye

Sam Hauser shoots the basketball. Sometimes he shoots it well, and sometimes he does not. And he defends, pretty well. Hawkeye defends people… pretty well, but since all he has is a bow and arrow, it’s not always the most effective.

Boston Celtics guard Payton Pritchard, #11

Marvel Superhero: Star-Lord

Pritchard is the hyper-confident, definitely-talented but also definitely-too-small guy who would probably get meaningful minutes on any team that is not the Celtics. Star-Lord is almost always totally out of his depth, but definitely always does not care. For the cherry on top, in the Celtics’ final game of the regular season, Pritchard put up a 30 point triple-double, because why not?

Boston Celtics center Blake Griffin, #91

Marvel Superhero: Wong

Everybody loves Wong. He’s a loveable side character who never does anything wrong and occasionally nails a joke for some comic relief. Griffin—in a purely-basketball sense—is emergency Al Horford insurance.

But spiritually, Blake is the man. All he does is go out there and put his frail and significantly less-athletic-than-it-used-to-be body on the line because he loves to ball. Respect.

Boston Celtics forward Mike “Moose” Muscala, #57

Marvel Superhero: Groot

If Blake is the emergency Al Horford insurance, Mike Muscala is the emergency-emergency Al Horford/Robert Williams insurance. Something has gone horribly wrong if Muscala is getting big minutes, so I decided to go with the superhero most spiritually similar to a moose: a tree.

Boston Celtics center Luke “The Murder Hornet” Kornet, #40

Marvel Superhero: The Wasp

Like with Moose, Kornet is very unlikely to play major minutes in the playoffs. He is, however, a wonderfully entertaining guy, pulling out weird celebrations from his bag like he’s Mary Poppins. In the spirit of his nickname, I went with the most adjacent insect superhero.

I’m sure this has been an absolute ordeal to read, but I hope you learned something, especially if you’re just now trying to get back into the Celtics. If you disagree with any of my superhero comparisons, shoot me a DM. I’ll be happy to explain why they are all 100% correct.